Starter White Boy

Thursday night, PF Changs, it’s a date. A first date, but to me, it’s a double first date. This is the 1st time I’m out with this guy, and this guy is my first white boy. See, I’ve always been curious about white boys, but never acted on it. Being biracial, but brought up by a single black mother, black men have naturally been my preference due to their accessibility. That’s all I was ever around.

But, here I am, 27 years old, finally, with a white boy. But, not the white boy I envisioned. When I imagined my starter white boy, I thought of a young Tom Cruise, Mathew McConaughey, Brad Pitt. Clean cut, well dressed, rich. What sat across from me easily could be described as the spawn of Kid Rock and Eminem. His calves, forearms, and probably entire torso were covered in tattoos. So many that I couldn’t decipher specifically what they were. He wore a t-shirt, cargo short pants, and sketcher sneakers. I wore my usual first date uniform - black leggings, smedium sweater, and knee high patent leather cat woman boots. We clearly looked like the odd couple – not because I was brown and he was tattooed, but because our clothing suggested we accidentally ended up here, together, at the same table. At this point, I realized I need to be more specific with what I ask for.

A week prior, I was on a Baltimore radio station promoting my comedy show. The morning show host began poking fun at me and somehow ended up discussing my preference in men. I joked I had never had a white boy and would love to try one out. “So what do you like in a guy so we can hook this up?” I was asked. Me, being a comedian, immediately went into joke mode. “I like teeth, specifically molars and the two big ones in the front; I like legs, a left and a right one, and a penis, singular – just one. And that’s exactly what I got – teeth, legs, and a penis.

Prior to the date I was extremely nervous. Like any 1st in your life, you want it to be perfect, but I didn’t know what a perfect 1st white boy would be. I didn’t even know what a perfect 1st date should be because I never had one. I thought really hard about awkward situations that might come up – like if he tried to kiss me, what would I do, because I don’t know if white people kiss differently, which I immediately realized was really stupid. But not once did I have my usual 1st date thoughts when dating a black guy, like, I wonder if he’ll like me, I hope he’s not strange, he better pay.

So, here I sat, across from my starter white boy, sharing a plate of calamari and praying he doesn’t double dip. Conversation surprisingly flowed very well with the assistance of a long island. I was pleasantly surprised that he was extremely proficient at using chopsticks. Something about tattoos and chopsticks didn’t mesh in my head.
Half way through dinner, he states “next time we go out, I know a better Chinese spot than this.” “You dare challenge PF Changs,” I snap back! This sparked an extremely heated debate about Chinese cuisine which led to a 2 hour long dinner followed by dessert.

I realized I was having a really good time with my starter white boy, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up because we still had one hump to get over to make this 1st date a positive memory. As if the waitress could read my mind, she walks over and as if in slow motion, stands the black bill protector, slightly ajar in the middle of the table. Horrible memories of cheap dates run through my head, and I immediately pull out my card and put it in the bill protector to avoid the embarrassment and disappointment that usually comes from my assuming the man is supposed to pay. Without hesitation, my tattooed, starter, white boy removes my card, hands it back to me, and inserts his. It is at this moment, I realize, this white boy has met all my black boy 1st date requirements – he’s not strange, he’s a gentleman, and he pays.

Dating a white boy is no longer a conquest and the old cliché “Never judge a book by its cover” was confirmed. Not only am I looking forward to my 2nd date with my starter white boy, but I’m now moving onto Asians.

Breaking Up with Someone You're Not in a Relationship With

So, I found myself monogamously dating this guy - not because I felt he was worth denouncing singledom for, but rather because I was too busy to scout out other players for my team. Basically, laziness - I was lazy and complacent with the man situation, until I realized - "I don't like him!" He was nice, and cute, and a gentleman, and all those things we women ask of you guys, however, he was missing that "umph" factor. What is that "umph" factor you may wonder? Well, it's indescribable. You are taken over by it when it's there, and you are very much aware (and bored out your mind) when it's missing.

The problem with my situation was I had always made myself available to this guy (because I didn't have any other options), and even went as far as giving up the goods (hoping that would give me a reason to REALLY like him - unfortunately....not so much). I told him on several occasions that I was "not looking for a relationship right now" (we've all heard and stated that bogus line), however, I knew my actions were saying otherwise. I realized the more I hung out with him, the deeper I was getting into this "un-stated, non-relationship, relationship." More importantly, I realized that I needed to break-up with him. But how do you break up with someone you're not with?!

Breaking up with someone you're not with is something that has to be done so delicately. I didn't want to look like the crazy chick who thought we were in a relationship. Do you know how embarrassing it would be to say "Hey, I don't think we should be together anymore" and he says "Hey, I didn't know we ever were together!" There has to be a way to terminate the advancement (I hope that made sense), meaning, there has to be a way to say "I recognize if we continue on this path, we're going to end up in a relationship, and I don't want that. Can't we just stay right here until one of us finds someone more interesting?"

Which I now pose the question: Is it ever okay to have someone as a place holder, i.e., there until something "better" comes along, and if so, what is the proper way to break off this "non-relationship, relationship?"