Starter White Boy

Thursday night, PF Changs, it’s a date. A first date, but to me, it’s a double first date. This is the 1st time I’m out with this guy, and this guy is my first white boy. See, I’ve always been curious about white boys, but never acted on it. Being biracial, but brought up by a single black mother, black men have naturally been my preference due to their accessibility. That’s all I was ever around.

But, here I am, 27 years old, finally, with a white boy. But, not the white boy I envisioned. When I imagined my starter white boy, I thought of a young Tom Cruise, Mathew McConaughey, Brad Pitt. Clean cut, well dressed, rich. What sat across from me easily could be described as the spawn of Kid Rock and Eminem. His calves, forearms, and probably entire torso were covered in tattoos. So many that I couldn’t decipher specifically what they were. He wore a t-shirt, cargo short pants, and sketcher sneakers. I wore my usual first date uniform - black leggings, smedium sweater, and knee high patent leather cat woman boots. We clearly looked like the odd couple – not because I was brown and he was tattooed, but because our clothing suggested we accidentally ended up here, together, at the same table. At this point, I realized I need to be more specific with what I ask for.

A week prior, I was on a Baltimore radio station promoting my comedy show. The morning show host began poking fun at me and somehow ended up discussing my preference in men. I joked I had never had a white boy and would love to try one out. “So what do you like in a guy so we can hook this up?” I was asked. Me, being a comedian, immediately went into joke mode. “I like teeth, specifically molars and the two big ones in the front; I like legs, a left and a right one, and a penis, singular – just one. And that’s exactly what I got – teeth, legs, and a penis.

Prior to the date I was extremely nervous. Like any 1st in your life, you want it to be perfect, but I didn’t know what a perfect 1st white boy would be. I didn’t even know what a perfect 1st date should be because I never had one. I thought really hard about awkward situations that might come up – like if he tried to kiss me, what would I do, because I don’t know if white people kiss differently, which I immediately realized was really stupid. But not once did I have my usual 1st date thoughts when dating a black guy, like, I wonder if he’ll like me, I hope he’s not strange, he better pay.

So, here I sat, across from my starter white boy, sharing a plate of calamari and praying he doesn’t double dip. Conversation surprisingly flowed very well with the assistance of a long island. I was pleasantly surprised that he was extremely proficient at using chopsticks. Something about tattoos and chopsticks didn’t mesh in my head.
Half way through dinner, he states “next time we go out, I know a better Chinese spot than this.” “You dare challenge PF Changs,” I snap back! This sparked an extremely heated debate about Chinese cuisine which led to a 2 hour long dinner followed by dessert.

I realized I was having a really good time with my starter white boy, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up because we still had one hump to get over to make this 1st date a positive memory. As if the waitress could read my mind, she walks over and as if in slow motion, stands the black bill protector, slightly ajar in the middle of the table. Horrible memories of cheap dates run through my head, and I immediately pull out my card and put it in the bill protector to avoid the embarrassment and disappointment that usually comes from my assuming the man is supposed to pay. Without hesitation, my tattooed, starter, white boy removes my card, hands it back to me, and inserts his. It is at this moment, I realize, this white boy has met all my black boy 1st date requirements – he’s not strange, he’s a gentleman, and he pays.

Dating a white boy is no longer a conquest and the old cliché “Never judge a book by its cover” was confirmed. Not only am I looking forward to my 2nd date with my starter white boy, but I’m now moving onto Asians.