Friday, October 23, 2009

Starter White Boy

Thursday night, PF Changs, it’s a date. A first date, but to me, it’s a double first date. This is the 1st time I’m out with this guy, and this guy is my first white boy. See, I’ve always been curious about white boys, but never acted on it. Being biracial, but brought up by a single black mother, black men have naturally been my preference due to their accessibility. That’s all I was ever around.

But, here I am, 27 years old, finally, with a white boy. But, not the white boy I envisioned. When I imagined my starter white boy, I thought of a young Tom Cruise, Mathew McConaughey, Brad Pitt. Clean cut, well dressed, rich. What sat across from me easily could be described as the spawn of Kid Rock and Eminem. His calves, forearms, and probably entire torso were covered in tattoos. So many that I couldn’t decipher specifically what they were. He wore a t-shirt, cargo short pants, and sketcher sneakers. I wore my usual first date uniform - black leggings, smedium sweater, and knee high patent leather cat woman boots. We clearly looked like the odd couple – not because I was brown and he was tattooed, but because our clothing suggested we accidentally ended up here, together, at the same table. At this point, I realized I need to be more specific with what I ask for.

A week prior, I was on a Baltimore radio station promoting my comedy show. The morning show host began poking fun at me and somehow ended up discussing my preference in men. I joked I had never had a white boy and would love to try one out. “So what do you like in a guy so we can hook this up?” I was asked. Me, being a comedian, immediately went into joke mode. “I like teeth, specifically molars and the two big ones in the front; I like legs, a left and a right one, and a penis, singular – just one. And that’s exactly what I got – teeth, legs, and a penis.

Prior to the date I was extremely nervous. Like any 1st in your life, you want it to be perfect, but I didn’t know what a perfect 1st white boy would be. I didn’t even know what a perfect 1st date should be because I never had one. I thought really hard about awkward situations that might come up – like if he tried to kiss me, what would I do, because I don’t know if white people kiss differently, which I immediately realized was really stupid. But not once did I have my usual 1st date thoughts when dating a black guy, like, I wonder if he’ll like me, I hope he’s not strange, he better pay.

So, here I sat, across from my starter white boy, sharing a plate of calamari and praying he doesn’t double dip. Conversation surprisingly flowed very well with the assistance of a long island. I was pleasantly surprised that he was extremely proficient at using chopsticks. Something about tattoos and chopsticks didn’t mesh in my head.
Half way through dinner, he states “next time we go out, I know a better Chinese spot than this.” “You dare challenge PF Changs,” I snap back! This sparked an extremely heated debate about Chinese cuisine which led to a 2 hour long dinner followed by dessert.

I realized I was having a really good time with my starter white boy, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up because we still had one hump to get over to make this 1st date a positive memory. As if the waitress could read my mind, she walks over and as if in slow motion, stands the black bill protector, slightly ajar in the middle of the table. Horrible memories of cheap dates run through my head, and I immediately pull out my card and put it in the bill protector to avoid the embarrassment and disappointment that usually comes from my assuming the man is supposed to pay. Without hesitation, my tattooed, starter, white boy removes my card, hands it back to me, and inserts his. It is at this moment, I realize, this white boy has met all my black boy 1st date requirements – he’s not strange, he’s a gentleman, and he pays.

Dating a white boy is no longer a conquest and the old cliché “Never judge a book by its cover” was confirmed. Not only am I looking forward to my 2nd date with my starter white boy, but I’m now moving onto Asians.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Bitch, I Don't Want Your Man!!

I know some of you guys enjoy reading (cause it's fundamental - stress on the "fun" portion), but this story comes out a lot better told, and not read. Hope you enjoy! As usual, feel free to "bitch," & share with a friend!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Americans Against Obama - WTF?!

Okay – I must be seriously late, because I was amazed when I saw this link on CNN under blogs regarding the hostage/pirate situation. I usually don’t do material on politics, but I felt compelled to discuss this one.

First off, am I the only one who finds it hilarious that we are seriously using the term “pirate” in 2009? I don’t think the hostage situation is funny in the least bit, but I just feel that we could have came up with a different name for these Somalians who boat-jacked the US ship. Maybe boatknappers – that would have been more appropriate. Because, when I think of pirates, I think peg legs, parrots, treasure chests with booty, swords, and dirty men with tattered clothes and big hats screaming “aaarrrgh!” – not a bunch of Somalians with machetes on a life boat. I admit to not knowing all of the details of the situation, however, I do wonder, how does one get boatjacked? I mean, I understand carjacking and how that happens – I live in Baltimore. You’re at a stop light, some crazy looking guy with a big gun rolls up on the driver side, threatens you (“brace yo’self fool!”), and takes your whip! But, there aren’t any red lights in the sea for you ever to need to stop. And not to be racist, but if I see a bunch of crazy looking black men with sheets covering their mouths with machetes and guns, and I’m in a bigger boat….shhhiiiittttt – full speed ahead biatches!

So, back to the title of this blog – this crazy website. Somebody took it upon themselves to create a website called “Americans Against Obama.” That’s deep. I don’t think I could ever have that much hate for anybody or thing that would warrant me creating a website against that person and constantly writing about why I hate them. In the article regarding the pirate situation they stated Obama was too busy picking out a puppy to worry about American’s lives. One of the comments even referred to someone as an Obama-bot. Crazy. I am an Obama supporter, and am excited with his presidency. I guess I’m just in awe of the amount of hatred folks can harbor inside of them.

Feel free to begin the “bitchin.”

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Sexy: \'sek-se\, adjective: generally attractive or interesting

What is the definition of sexy? Some consider having a super hot body to be the epitome of sexy (even though super-hot can be left up for interpretation as well). Some think it's a person's charisma. Since I can't speak for everyone (and this is my blog), sexy is a look, a feeling, and an impression one gives off. We've all had moments when we didn't "feel" sexy, but for some reason, everyone in the supermarket was tryin' to holla!

Which leads me to wonder, is “sexy” something made-up? It’s not a one-size fits all description. What some may consider sexy, others may consider repulsive. We’ve all met those guys who say “I love me some big girls,” and we all know those guys where anything over a size 2 is wayyyyy too fat!

Being someone who’s always struggled with her self-esteem and self-image for as long as she can remember, I’ve always wanted to be considered “sexy” by the opposite sex. Even when I began doing comedy, I wondered how one could be sexy & funny – the 2 just don’t go together – but I’m figuring out how to make it work. The younger Ayanna always believed sexy would be achieved by being a perfect size 6 and wearing all the right clothes and always having your hair done and nails done and rockin’ the latest shoes, etc – you guys get the point. However, as I get older, I realize those things play a small part in the “sexy-factor” – 15% tops.

At the tender age of 27, as my maternal clock is a tickin’, my womb is ready (but not willing), I have a mortgage, and my student loans have really kicked in, my definition of sexy in a man has changed COMPLETELY!! I’m more realistic (or at least I think) with what I expect a man to have. My base rule, you need to have (or have a plan and are in the execution phase) what I have. I have a house, you need a house (or condo, or apartment with plans in the working of owning something soon) – I’m not screwing you in your Mama’s basement. In addition, grown men with roommates! Errrr! Fellas – there reaches a certain age where living in a phrat-like setting (skee-wee to all my Sorors) is not sexy at all! I have an education; I’d like you to have an education, or a CAREER that is upwardly mobile. I have no kids, I would prefer a man with no kids (I want to be spoiled and I can’t if you have someone(s) depending on you). I don’t want baby-mama drama, nor do I want to have to deal with whatever “situation” you’re in. “It’s complicated” is not sexy! “It’s complicated” or “what-had-happened-was” or “well, right now” (cause y’all know whenever someone begins to answer a question with “well right now” there’s nothing but bull-crap following) makes me dry up like the Sahara!

This is nothing but a very bare-bones description/view of my definition of sexy. I would love for you guys to give me yours. Also, shout out to my bestest sista-gyrlfriend Allison Banks for the topic idea (she told me I better shout her out – love ya girl!).

Let the “bitchin” begin!!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Who Pays?! We Both Have Vaginas!

Let me first start with a disclaimer: I'm heterosexual. I have no issues with homosexuals. There - disclaimer done, let's get to the blogging...

So, I cut off all my hair approximately a year ago and realized I had that "lesbian chic" look going on - I'm sure you all know the signature lesbian haircut which also doubles as the "I'm a white woman who only dates black men" haircut (for some reason, all the white women I've seen that date black men have the same white version of Halle Berry's short-d0). Apparently, my new haircut started causing lots of lesbians' "gay-dar" to go off, because I received a surplus of invites for lesbian rendezvouses. Now, I was quite flattered because #1, I love attention and take it however I can get it, and #2, some of these chicks were very pretty!

There was one instance where I was approached at a comedy show by a lesbian, who, get this, was on a date with a technically she was bisexual - technically. She waited until her date went to the bathroom to approach me with her phone number stating "if you're into women, or ever plan on being into women, give me a call." Now, I am not into women, and I don't see any future PLANS of me changing my mind, but I still put her number in my purse because I know how hard it is as a woman to take rejection. On the way out, her date rolled his eyes at me when I told her good night - I speculate he had an issue with her approaching women(different to most men I know, but, whatever floats your boat).

A few days later I found the number while cleaning out my purse and asked one of my male friends, "if I were to go on a date with her, who would pay?" His response, "the more manly looking one." "But, we're both cute," I replied. "Okay. Then the dom," which I learned is short for dominant. A couple of my other friends stated she would have to pay since she initiated the date.

Let's visit this hypothetical situation: I'm asked on a date by a chick and I accept. We meet, eat (no pun intended), talk, and here comes the check...on the table...equidistant from the two of I dare reach...wait a minute, she's reaching, reviewing, grabbing purse, pulling wallet out, scanning cards, pulls out I dare offer to pay all or even my portion of the bill (cause I hate going dutch, even with my homegirls - someone just pay the damn bill! It'll equal itself out over the duration of our friendship)...what if I don't and she expects me to put out, or thinks I'm cheap...does this mean if we continue to date, she has assumed the "dom" role?!

So many questions which I can't answer because I've never dated a woman before. The only solution to this perplex situation is to treat it like a heterosexual date and assume [what I consider to be] proper 1st date etiquette: the man pays. The man in this homosexual relationship would be the initiator, therefore, my debit card stays in my wallet, in my purse! In addition, I can't see myself treating some chick that's trying to do me to dinner! That's just asking to be touched! my blog readers, I ask you, what is the proper etiquette in this situation? Does the a) initiator pay for the meal or b) do we go dutch? In addition, should I feel obligated to offer to pay? Looking forward to hearing the responses!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Breaking Up with Someone You're Not in a Relationship With

So, I found myself monogamously dating this guy - not because I felt he was worth denouncing singledom for, but rather because I was too busy to scout out other players for my team. Basically, laziness - I was lazy and complacent with the man situation, until I realized - "I don't like him!" He was nice, and cute, and a gentleman, and all those things we women ask of you guys, however, he was missing that "umph" factor. What is that "umph" factor you may wonder? Well, it's indescribable. You are taken over by it when it's there, and you are very much aware (and bored out your mind) when it's missing.

The problem with my situation was I had always made myself available to this guy (because I didn't have any other options), and even went as far as giving up the goods (hoping that would give me a reason to REALLY like him - unfortunately....not so much). I told him on several occasions that I was "not looking for a relationship right now" (we've all heard and stated that bogus line), however, I knew my actions were saying otherwise. I realized the more I hung out with him, the deeper I was getting into this "un-stated, non-relationship, relationship." More importantly, I realized that I needed to break-up with him. But how do you break up with someone you're not with?!

Breaking up with someone you're not with is something that has to be done so delicately. I didn't want to look like the crazy chick who thought we were in a relationship. Do you know how embarrassing it would be to say "Hey, I don't think we should be together anymore" and he says "Hey, I didn't know we ever were together!" There has to be a way to terminate the advancement (I hope that made sense), meaning, there has to be a way to say "I recognize if we continue on this path, we're going to end up in a relationship, and I don't want that. Can't we just stay right here until one of us finds someone more interesting?"

Which I now pose the question: Is it ever okay to have someone as a place holder, i.e., there until something "better" comes along, and if so, what is the proper way to break off this "non-relationship, relationship?"